I can still hear the squeal of chairs pushing away from the conference room table. As the new guy in the organization, I had just broken an unwritten rule of the culture: never raise a controversial topic without thoroughly vetting it out one-on-one in advance. I had just moved from an East Coast conglomerate where lively discussions and direct feedback were expected. I was trained to be confident in my thinking and willing to air it out in a direct debate.

I had moved to a polite, face-saving Midwest firm, where such behavior was unthinkable. If it weren’t for the chair noise, I’m not sure I would have been told I had crossed the polite culture line. Over time, I had to learn to adjust my table manners and ways of getting coaching.

We’ve all been there. You ask for feedback, hoping for candid insights, and instead, you get vague niceties or a half-smile paired with “You’re doing great!” Meanwhile, the real conversations about your performance happen behind closed doors or in hushed tones. Welcome to the world of passive-aggressive workplace culture, where feedback is often murky, indirect, or mostly absent.

This setting presents a unique challenge as we strive to be coachable leaders. How do you grow when constructive feedback is sugarcoated, delayed, or withheld entirely? And more importantly, how do you maintain your coachability when the culture around you discourages open dialogue?

Recognizing the Passive-Aggressive Feedback Loop

In a passive-aggressive culture, feedback often follows a frustrating pattern:

  • Polite avoidance. People sidestep direct conversations, leaving you to interpret cryptic signals.
  • Delayed honesty. You only hear the real feedback when it’s too late (e.g., a performance review or after a missed promotion).
  • Side-door criticism. Feedback arrives indirectly through gossip, SLACK channel comments, or in ways that feel more like judgment than help.

For coachable leaders, this creates a dangerous blind spot. You may think you’re doing fine because no one tells you otherwise. Meanwhile, silent frustrations about your performance may be growing out of earshot.

How to Stay Coachable When the Culture Isn’t

Here are six strategies to try out when looking for coaching and feedback in a closed culture.

Seek Clarity to Avoid the Soft Sell

Instead of accepting lukewarm comments, probe deeper. If someone says, “You’re doing great,” follow up with:

  • “What’s one small tweak I could make that would help me be even more effective?”
  • “If you were in my shoes, what might you do differently?”
  • “I’m working on improving X—have you noticed anything I should adjust?”

You may have to ask multiple times before you get real insights, but persistence pays off.

Use ‘Third-Party’ Feedback Requests

In these cultures, people are more comfortable talking about youthan to you. Experiment with framing questions in a way that distances the person from direct critique, such as:

  • “I’ve heard that around here people don’t always share feedback directly. If you were advising someone like me, what’s something they should know but might not be hearing?”
  • “I’m trying to improve as a leader. What do you think people might say behind closed doors that would be useful for me to know?”

Position feedback as something “other people might say” to remove the pressure from the person responding.

Find Your Truth-Tellers

Even in a passive-aggressive culture, a few people are willing to tell it like it is. These trusted advisors, mentors, colleagues, or even direct reports, can offer unfiltered feedback. Recruit their assistance by asking:

  • “Would you be open to giving me unfiltered input occasionally? I value having someone who can tell it to me straight.”

One of my peers and running partner became my go-to trusted advisor. Often on our end of the work week run, I would hear how I came across to others and how to avoid that “chair noise” next week.

Decode the Indirect Signals

In passive-aggressive settings, feedback often comes in non-verbal cues: a hesitated response in a meeting, an awkward silence after you share an idea, or a subtle shift in team dynamics. Pay attention to these moments as they might tell you more than words ever will. Be looking for:

  • Changes in tone or body language. Did someone shift uncomfortably when a topic came up?
  • Hesitations in meetings. Who seemed reluctant to voice an opinion?
  • Patterns over time. Did different people react similarly to your actions?

Instead of ignoring these subtle signs, you can lean into them and ask:

  • “I noticed some hesitation when I brought up X. Does anyone have thoughts on that?”
  • “I feel like I might be missing something here. What’s another perspective on this?”

By politely acknowledging indirect cues, you give people permission to speak up.

Reframe Feedback as a Shared Goal

In a passive-aggressive workplace, people often fear giving feedback will lead to conflict or awkwardness. To ease this concern, frame feedback as a team effort:

  • “I want to ensure we’re working as effectively as possible together. What’s one thing I can do to support that better?”
  • “I know everyone here wants to do great work. How can I adjust to make collaboration smoother?”

By making it about the team’s success, not just personal improvement, you create a more comfortable space for honesty and show respect for the culture as well.

Reward and Reinforce Candidness

My research of highly coachable leaders found a common trait of gratitude. They knew that even the smallest pieces of direct feedback were gold, and if people saw that giving feedback led to positive change, they’d be more willing to do it again.

Whenever someone gives even a hint of real feedback:

  • Thank them immediately: “I really appreciate you mentioning that. It’s helpful to hear.”
  • Show reflection: “I’ve been thinking about what you said, and here’s how I’m applying it.”
  • Act: When possible, adjust based on feedback and let the person know.

Rewarding honesty will encourage more of it over time, even in an overall cultural norm that doesn’t practice it.

Adapting Your Table Manners Without Losing Yourself

That moment in the conference room, the screech of chairs, the unspoken disapproval, was my wake-up call. I had assumed that being coachable meant charging ahead and expecting real-time feedback. In a passive-aggressive culture, it meant something different: learning to read between the lines, flexing without losing my authenticity, and creating new coaching channels.

Over time, I stopped waiting for direct feedback and started seeking it in ways that fit my new culture. I found my truth-tellers, learned to decode subtle cues, and cultivated encounters where honest conversations could happen. It took time, and I still missed some signals. But it was progress. I realized that coachability isn’t just about how you receive feedback but how you invite, interpret, and act on it in any environment. While you may be unable to engineer a complete cultural transformation, you can create your own support learning network.

So, if your culture thrives on silence, don’t let it stunt your growth. Adapt, listen carefully, and find ways to keep learning. The most coachable leaders don’t just wait for feedback. They get out of their chairs and get it.